Imagine a
child that hardly ever whines or complains. Imagine a child
that says “please” and “thank you,” picks
up after himself, and fixes her own bed without being told.
Consider having a child that helps around the house, that
vacuums, does yard work, dishes, and laundry. Imagine having
a teen that helps shop, bargain hunt, and can even help the
family pay the bills so all the parents have to do some months
is sign the checks.
Think about
a child that reaches dating age and already has the skills
to be a good husband AND a good wife - one set to be one,
the other set to recognize when he or she has found one.
What would it feel like, as parents to have children that
are really ready for the world by the time they turn 18.
Imagine feeling confident that they understand how credit
cards work before they have one, how leases work and what
they mean before they sign one, and how to manage a household
before they move out.
Our children
will be adults someday, and more than 9 in 10 will marry
at least once (hopefully only once), and more than 8 in 10
will become parents. The Guardian Knights program is a life
training system designed to help parents raise their children
from childhood to adulthood, and prepare children for all
the major things they are likely to need to know for their
adult lives.
About 80%
of life is predictable. However, most of us live in a nearly
perpetual state of overwhelm precisely because we were never
trained in all the skills we needed to effortlessly master
the predictable parts of life. What if we could suddenly
get a handle on 4 out 5 issues in our lives? Imagine what
it might be like with 80% of our lives on autopilot, allowing
us to invest all our emotional energy and our thinking time
into the 20% that is fairly unique to us. Wouldn’t
that be wonderful?
For almost
all of us, life gets harder and harder, and it gets more
and more complicated. What if we could reverse that trend?
What if life got easier instead of harder? What if life got
simpler instead of more complicated?
As adults,
this is an incredible challenge. It’s possible, but
it takes a tremendous amount of work to overcome the limitations
of our past training, our past choices, and the accumulated
mistakes we’ve made. Virtually all of us went through
that, and each one of us has our own sets of challenges that
have come about as a result.
Honestly,
changing course as adults can be incredibly challenging -
but we CAN do better by our children. In this day and age
of complex and problematic childhood, we can lay a foundation
for our children that our parents didn’t know how to
lay for us.
We can
be the parents we always dreamed we would be, and our children
can be the kids that we always hoped they would become. All
it requires is forward thinking, and being willing to actively
move forward in a consistent manner so our children are ready
BEFORE they need to be ready for whatever life might throw
at them.
We are
raising the next generation of adults, the next generation
of husbands and wives, and the next generation of parents.
We are raising someone’s spouse, and we are raising
the parents of our grandchildren. This opportunity is nothing
short of changing the course of the generations that will
follow us - because they WILL follow us.
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HISTORICAL
LEGENDS
Training
knights during the height of the Age of Chivalry started
with a child. A Page was typically very young and under the
tutelage of a Knight or Squire. The Page was taught how to
do simple labor, had several duties, and was taught the fundamentals
of proper behavior, most notably obedience to authority.
When a Page was ready, promotion to Squire was possible.
Squires
were people of honor, some education, and were considered
representatives of the Knights they served. In fact, attorney’s
today, even in the United States, often have “esquire” after
their name to designate them as legally representing others.
That’s how meaningful the station of Squire was considered.
Squires were in training to be Knights, and they learned
all the duties and responsibilities of that lofty position.
If a Squire proved worthy by actually fulfilling all those
duties and responsibilities, then, and only then, would the
Squire be considered for Knighthood.
It is important
to note that the duties and responsibilities came first.
Before a Squire received the powers and privileges of a Knight,
he had to do the work first. He had to fulfill the responsibilities
first. He had to do everything that was expected of a Knight,
but without receiving the honors that would be due to a Knight.
Only after proving faithful to proper conduct did a Squire
earn the right to the power and prestige of the noble station “Knight.”
Even among
Knights, not all were equals. Most Orders of Knighthood had
differing stations for their Knights. A Knight could aspire
to be a Knight Standard Bearer, meaning he was such a worthy
example of knightly virtue and skill that he could carry
the banner of the Order and lead others. A Knight Commander
was ready to assume formal leadership and command the Knights
and military. Some Knightly Orders had even higher stations.
It is this
model of Knighthood, somewhat drawn from the book Raising
a Modern Day Knight, that we will use to teach children the
skills and character in a steady progression from childhood
to adulthood. If you wish to read that book, simply be aware
that it provides a much more simplistic model of child training,
and it is also intended for raising boys. However, Knights
were women as well, the proper honorific being “Dame,” the
feminine counterpart to “Sir.” For instance,
Scot and Wendy Conway might have been known as Sir Scot and
Dame Wendy of the House of Conway. That would signify both
as Knights.
Female
Knights were also in a doubly privileged position. They had
all the protections afforded a noble woman, including the
right for any Knight to champion her, for her husband to
defend her legally and take redress on her behalf, and the
protection of the law and Code of Chivalry, but she also
had the powers of a Knight, the ability command troops, manage
the castle, wear armor, and lead in battle. Female Knights
were among the most dangerous foes because of their double
realms of power: noblewoman and knight.
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THE
BASIC IDEA
The basic
idea of the Guardian Knights program is that children will
become adults, are likely to marry, and likely to become
parents. (Statistically, more than 90% of them will marry
and about 80% will have children.) Many adults wish they
had better preparation for what awaited them in adulthood.
The goal of the Guardian Knights is to provide children with
all the preparation for adulthood that will make their lives
easier and easier as they grow up.
The level
of Page is primarily intended for younger children, though
older minors should work through this level as well. In brief,
the training at the level of Page is to teach a child the
skills to take care of himself or herself. They learn the
fundamentals of the proper place of children. As they work
through the levels of Page, they should learn the behaviors
and skills that will simplify the lives of parents. In short,
a Page should learn to do everything they can to take care
of themselves so parents can focus on the things that a child
cannot do and the things a child should not do (mostly for
safety reasons).
The level
of Squire is intended for preteens and early teens. At this
level, minors should be learning the skills they will need
as adults. They should learn to take care of household chores,
cook, clean, do laundry, and yard work. They should also
learn about finances, credit, how to shop, and many of the
legal things they should know before they become adults.
They will learn and practice leadership and learn the fundamentals
of business to prepare for a career or job. Squires should
not only be able to help parents by taking care of themselves,
but also help out around the house as they rotate through
household skills. The goal is to have them ready for adulthood
so the transition to adulthood is as seamless as possible.
The level
of Knight should be achieved in the middle to late teens,
and at this level we start teaching practical relationship
skills for business, dating and marriage. Part of the goal
is to help young people understand how things work in the
real world so they don’t make decisions based upon
fairy tale notions, and they learn how to make certain their
first marriage really is “’til death do us part” because
they have chosen well and built an excellent marriage. One
of the reasons it’s important to know what makes a
good husband or wife is because most of our children will
either be one, or they will have to choose one. Very often,
young people choose for very foolish reasons, thus the saying “young
and stupid.” One goal here is to help our children
skip the “stupid” part of that.
After that
comes parent training. Most parents know that there were
some things they were either glad they knew or wish they
knew. Skills as simple as feeding and changing a baby are
often lost on young people these days, and many young couples
become parents without any meaningful preparation. Many parents
find that they spend the majority of their time just trying
to hang on and get through the years without severely damaging
their children. Often thinking about the long range future
and planning for the generations that will follow is completely
lost in the mire of the day to day turmoil of raising children.
We hope to help the next generation be better prepared for
the realities of parenting then were we.
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THE
BULLSEYE
In ancient
Roman archery, the middle of the target is called the “Bullseye,” the
first circle “Sin One,” the second circle “Sin
Two,” and the third was “Sin Three.” The
word we translate “sin” simply means “missed
the mark.” Calling something “sin one,” “sin
two,” or “sin three” told an archer how
far off the bullseye his arrow struck. Often the archer could
not tell which circle his arrow hit if it was close to the
line, so a spotter was near the target to let him know.
We use
this concept to help teach the children and young people
new skills, and we can even use it to describe behavior.
If, for instance, a child is learning how to apologize, a
poor apology that only used the right words but a completely
wrong attitude might be “Sin Three.” A perfect
apology would be a “Bullseye.”
When we
are teaching children, we have to expect that they won’t
get it on the first try. Chances are what they do with only
marginally qualify for what we asked of them, and that would
be perfectly normal. However, as we work with them, we can
improve on our instructions as they understand the general
concept, then more and more details of exactly what we expect.
As an example,
if we are teaching our child to fix their own bed, we have
to expect that the first time they won’t do a very
good job. They might do only a little better than tossing
their covers in the right general direction and think they’re
done. They hit the target, but it’s a “Sin Three” shot
at bed fixing. As they learn to do better, getting everything
generally right, but still uneven and lumpy, that might be “Sin
Two.” When they get it almost right, but there are
still lumps and not everything is quite perfect, that would
be “Sin One,” which is “almost there!” When
they fix the bed exactly as we would like, then that’s
a Bullseye bed.
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THE
BULLSEYE CHART AND 21 SPACES
Each child
has a full color, laminated Bullseye Chart issued for that
child. Parents should tape or pin this chart to a child’s
bedroom door with the child’s name written along the
bottom. Parents can also write the status of the child underneath.
In the
line above the yellow area, write the particular script or
skill on which the child is working. Every day the child
Bullseye’s the script or skill, write the date in a
yellow block. If a child does less than a bullseye job, then
the parent should place a mark on the target to show the
child how he or she is doing.
A mark
completely off the chart means that the child didn’t
even try or did so poorly that it doesn’t even count
as a real try. A mark in the blue circle means it was a poor
job, but still a real effort. The green means a good job
that needs work, and a mark in the white means “almost
there!”
When we
put a mark in the Bullseye, that means that the child did
it exactly as he or she ought to have (considering age and
temperament). After a child has Bullseyed a skill 21 times
at home, then the child can receive credit for that skill
in the Guardian Knights program. If it is a script, then
the child will test with a leader. If it is a home skill,
then there is no test.
We keep
track of all the scripts and skills the child learns to Bullseye.
Parents should keep a running list at home so a child can
be praised for his or her accomplishments on a regular basis
and a parent and child can both see how much a child has
learned.
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to top]
STAND
T.A.L.L.!
Stand T.A.L.L.
is a principle we teach the children that explains how they
should progress in a skill. The acronym T.A.L.L. stands for:
T - Talking
A - Action
L - Leadership
L - Living
This means
that the first step of learning is Talking, saying what they’re
supposed to say. This means the child learns the scripts,
learns what it takes to Bullseye a skill and learns to recite
any household rules. The scripts are intended to give children
a format to understand what is expected of them and provide
parents with a standardized set of questions they can ask
to remind children of the rules.
The second
step is Action, doing what they’re supposed to do.
It is one thing to learn to recite a script, it is another
to consistently do a thing. At first, we should expect children
to need reminders. As we are consistent and firm with our
reminders, the children should need less and less of a hint
to remember the proper behavior.
The third
step is Leadership, being a good example. This is the level
at which the child no longer needs reminders, and any hints
given are few and far between. It is at this level that a
child is such an example of a particular skill or script
that others can simply copy this child and they will be doing
a Bullseye job.
The final
step cannot be measured in the short term, but consistent
Leadership will result in a child Living out the character
over time. Living means the young person is not only a good
example to follow in their conduct, but a good example in
character as well.
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21
DAYS, SIX MONTHS & TWO YEARS
It takes
about 21 Days of consistent, enthusiastic practice of something
to enable it to be a habit. There is a common myth that new
habits can be built that fast, but it is more of enabling
a thing to become a habit than making it an actual habit.
Habits that only have 21 Days behind them might be easier
to do, but they are also easy to undo. By doing something
actively for three solid weeks, we make it easy enough to
do that we can make it a habit if we choose.
For almost
any new physical skill, it takes about 6 Months to lay “neuropathways.” In
English, that means that it takes about 6 Months for something
to feel natural for us. If it is a physical skill, like martial
arts, it takes about half a year of consistent practice for
us to be able to do any given movement naturally. Similarly,
after 6 Months of practicing any skill, behavior or character
trait, it becomes normal for us.
Two Years
is the approximate amount of time it takes to make something
so natural that it would actually require EFFORT to do it
wrong. Once we have more than Two Years experience at something,
we are likely to always remember with minimal review - perhaps
once every six months or so. We might even be able to come
back to a skill after decades of doing nothing and relearn
it in no time at all if we had maintained a high level of
skill for Two Years.
What makes
these times important in training our children is that we
should expect to invest no less than 21 consecutive days
of loving, enthusiastic, instruction and constant support
for their efforts for them to gain the ability to do a thing.
We should EXPECT it to take a few weeks. We should not expect
even mediocre skill to come quickly.
Then, we
will have to work with our child for 6 months to help him
or her master a skill enough to really be able to do it without
thinking. That means that even when we KNOW our child knows
what to do, we will probably spend up to 6 months periodically
reminding him or her of the exact right, bullseye thing to
do. It would be better to this beforehand when we know a
situation is coming up (“Show me a bullseye job on
cleaning your room!”).
After six
months of consistent, periodic reminders, it will still take
2 years before our children will really do it naturally,
2 years before we can have some confidence that we’ve
helped build a permanent character trait into our children.
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LAVISH,
ENTHUSIASTIC PRAISE
The single
most powerful motivator for a child is lavish, enthusiastic
praise. Parents are the most powerful source for this praise.
While others can give it and still motivate a child, when
it’s from important adults like parents, grand parents
and other adults they will see their whole lives, it means
much more.
If you’re
impressed with a performance, let them know, and let them
know often and enthusiastically. Tell others in front of
your child so your child knows how excited about it. Give
a child who has mastered a script a chance to show off to
others who might enjoy it (but give a shy child warning beforehand
so he or she can practice!). Make a big deal of it. Get excited.
Remember what it was like to be a kid and how much fun it
was when someone got excited about something you did.
For many
of us, it’s been a long time - but most of us still
enjoy that as adults. We enjoy lavish praise from a spouse,
close friend or our children. When our kids think something
we did was just the greatest thing in the world, it makes
us feel especially good. Using lavish praise can also help
condition a child to give it in return, especially if a parent
encourages a child to do so. It will help our children learn
to praise others, give compliments and show appreciation.
Treat lavish,
enthusiastic praise as the paycheck for which your child
is working. Would anyone rather work for less, or more? Most
of us would be more enthusiastic about our job if we knew
that someone was going to pay us a lot more. Lavish, enthusiastic
praise is a commodity that’s free for parents, but
a treasure for our children.
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LAYING
FOUNDATIONS
One of
the greatest challenges is knowing the long term effects
of what we do, and what we do not do. Many parents have learned
too late that sometimes there is nothing you can do with
a child. Conversations about life-changing decisions are
sometimes impossible because the foundation for parental
leadership in an issue had to be laid years earlier.
Many, many
parents have found themselves helpless and figured out too
late that the answer had to start three or four years earlier
than a problem. Sometimes problems start and they go unaddressed
because they aren’t a serious problem right now - but
by the time they become serious, it might be too late.
That’s
why we spend so much time on some of these things. There
are powerful, powerful principles that can impact the lives
of our children as adolescents or young adults that start
with some simple concepts that we teach them right from the
start.
For instance,
with the Bullseye concept, we lay a foundation for children
to evaluate their own behavior. Suppose they have this foundation,
and at some time in the future the 13 year old children approach
us about physical intimacy and want to know what’s
okay to do, we can ask them if they are looking for a “Bullseye” quality
morality, or the outside edge of “Sin Three”?
That’s thinking 5 or 10 years ahead to issues that
will arise and building a foundation now that will not only
help now, but will also help years from now.
With Stand
T.A.L.L., we lay a foundation for personal development that
can last through adulthood. We know as adults that just because
someone says the right things, that does not mean that they
will do the right things. Just because someone can do the
right things does not mean they will be consistent. Just
because they behave well on the outside does not assure they
have good character on the inside.
Stand T.A.L.L.
also allows us the vocabulary to work on posture, a skill
that has only modest importance to children, but becomes
more important as they get older. For teens and adults it
serves as an early foundation for a more advanced skill called
Functional Anatomy. That’s thinking ahead to the child’s
adulthood and laying a foundation for athletic health.
One of
the reasons we do not simply teach the scripts in our classes
is because we have several goals to achieve all at once.
One of those goals is to have the child learn, and learning
character from teachers is NOT the most effective. Parents
spend more time with children and have the ability to influence
the children every single day. We do not.
Also among
our goals is helping children acquire life skills, and parents
are far better equipped to train a child at bed fixing, room
cleaning, vacuuming, table setting and such. As they get
older, there are more skills that we can teach, but the basics
of taking care of themselves at home and learning to help
around the house are skills that need to be taught at home.
This program simply gives parents leverage so the children
will be more willing, and provides a format to help guide
the parents so the children are part of a peer group of children
being trained up for effective adulthood.
Finally,
one of our goals is to make PARENTING easier, and this program
helps children rely on their parents for character and skill
training. This program is intended to help support Parent
Authority, elevate the parents in the eyes of children, provide
parents with a format for explaining mistakes parents may
have made in the past, and helps parents raise children that
help take care of themselves - allowing parents to focus
on the ongoing growth of their children.
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ALWAYS
ASK QUESTIONS
Remembering
to ask questions is a challenge for some parents, but it
is a vital parenting skill. A very important study discovered
that asking children questions multiplies their memory and
performance. It’s not hard to understand why. The brain
can turn off when parents talk. It can’t turn off when
answering a question.
The Guardian
Knights program is a systematic process to raise children
from childhood to adulthood, and with as fast and complex
as is modern life, there is a LOT to teach. So we need our
children to learn more efficiently just to keep up with the
demands of life. At the same time, parents are busier than
ever, and often have less time than in previous generations
to really invest in children’s character and skills.
So we need our children to learn faster still.
The easiest
way to do that is to ask questions rather than give commands.
Children are bright enough to figure out a lot of things
if we lead them to the right conclusion. We might have to
tell them, but then we turn right around and ask.
Once we
get them to the right answer, we ask again. A little while
later, we ask again. A day or two later, we ask again. This
is many times more effective than telling a child over and
over. After they’ve answered the question, they know
it far, far better than if we just talked.
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CORRECTION
AND PUNISHMENT
The purpose
of correction is to correct a mistake. The purpose of punishment
is to inspire a desire to comply. In order for punishment
to be effective to change behavior, the punishment must be
immediate, certain, and devastating. Correction, on the other
hand, just has to be clear and consistent.
There are
times in which punishment is absolutely appropriate, and
times in which corporal punishment is called for. There are
few who would say that it is inappropriate to use force to
pick up and remove a child from a room when that child is
engaging in dangerous activities. Certainly if someone physically
picked up any of us and carried us off, we’d consider
that force. However, the purpose of punishment is not to “teach
us a lesson” as much as to inspire us to comply with
the lesson we already know.
Not every
child really understands, though. Before we resort to severe
punishment to inspire compliance, we should make certain
we’ve taken corrective measures. Often, children do
not do the right thing or they will do the wrong thing because
they simply do not understand what is right and what is wrong.
Even when they would easily figure it out if they took a
moment to think, children often do not think before they
act. If even adults will make major life decisions based
upon emotions, we should not be surprised when children do
the same.
When possible,
it is often most useful to correct instead of punish. For
example, if a child knows the “No Whining” script,
and they start to whine, you could use a corrective technique.
A corrective technique might be to ask the child “What’s
the rule on whining?” If the child knows the script,
then that should end the whining. If the child doesn’t
remember (since even adults often forget obvious things in
the middle of emotional situations, children will forget
even more often), then punishment might be in order. Simply
a “time out” until the child is ready to run
over the “No Whining” script a few times would
be a punishment to get compliance, and then practicing the
script to correct the behavior.
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LEADERSHIP
EXAMPLE
Something
parents may wish to consider is learning the scripts and
practicing skills along with the children. Consider how we
feel when leaders ask their followers to do things they are
not willing to do themselves. Their leadership suffers. It’s
the difference between a commander that says “Go over
there!” and a leader that says “We’re going
over there! Follow me!” Commanders have to obeyed -
they cannot be followed because they are not our in front.
Leaders can be followed because they are in front as the
example, blazing the trail to get to the goal. We can follow
leaders because they are willing to go first.
As Parents,
we have to ask ourselves whether it would be useful to learn
the scripts along with our children. Would it be more powerful
to simply drill the scripts with our children, or to be able
to actually show our children exactly how we would like them
to do it? What if we took turns as leader? Would that magnify
the impact we might have as parents? Might it also increase
our credibility with our children when we tell them these
things are important?
Also, for
Parents who have some issues, it also helps if a child has
the right to ask questions about our behaviors. When it sounds
to a child like we’re whining or complaining, might
it help if the child can ask us? If we really are whining,
would it be helpful to stop, or justify our position? In
this, as in all things as Parents, all we have to do is ask
ourselves is whether or not our children can simply follow
us, and make our decisions accordingly.
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